She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
