just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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