her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
