Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
You dont lie about slip and slides
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
