At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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