I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize