Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
