No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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