There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
