God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
He passed out mid-signature
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
