you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
