I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
