The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
