I accidentally burped into my bong.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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