I skipped work to stalk him.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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