The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
