I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
