I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
