He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
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