I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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