I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
