i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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