She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Sext me about skeletons
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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