my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
