My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Dignity is for republicans.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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