Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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