Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
