i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
