before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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