She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
