my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
