She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize