i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
