he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
