I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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