we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
