I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
