i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
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