I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
