You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
