I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
