your thong is hanging out like whoa
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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