The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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