i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize