I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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