Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
