Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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