if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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