would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
