I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
