I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
