Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
