i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize