So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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