I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
