I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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