There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
