i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
