My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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