I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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