please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Text me some of your sweat
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
