i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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