I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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