Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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