Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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