"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
