i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
