SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
