Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
