he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
He passed out mid-signature
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
