dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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