ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
