he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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