I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
