Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
