I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
