I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
