I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Randomize
