Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
