Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
