I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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