oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
